


The Thing About Baz

by Plushion



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Bittersweet Ending, M/M, Reincarnation, Sad, major angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 05:30:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12336432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plushion/pseuds/Plushion
Summary: “He never breaks his promises. So I’m not going break mine.”





	The Thing About Baz

**Author's Note:**

> This is sad im sorry lol the idea just popped into my head and i cried so much writing this lol i only added the reincarnation thing because it was just too sad so if you want to be extra sad just pretend like i didnt write that part

“Excuse me. Is that the last copy of that book?” A blue eyed boy, Simon, says quietly in between dusty shelves of books in a silent library. 

“Yeah.” A boy with tawny clear skin answers at an equal volume. 

“Sorry.” Simon mumbles and turns to walk away.

“Your shoe is untied.” Baz says, his voice even and lower than Simon’s. 

“Huh? Oh.” Simon pivots and sits down to tie his shoe. 

“You have to sit down to tie your shoe?” Baz asks. 

“Bending hurts my back and squatting hurts my legs.” 

“Fragile.” He mocks. 

“I am not.” Simon defends. 

“Here.” Baz holds the book down to him. “You can have it.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Don’t make me think about it too long. I might retract my offer.” He smirks. 

“How will you know when you can come back to get it then?” Simon accepts the book and stands up. 

“I’m sure it won’t take you more than two weeks to read it.” He raises his eyebrows. 

“Yeah but-- Maybe I should give you my number. And you could text me soon so I can tell you I’ve returned it.” He whispers quieter than the rest of the conversation. 

The corners of Baz’s mouth quirk up and he takes his phone from his back pocket. He opens up a new contact and hands it to Simon. 

Simon enters his number and labels the contact simply as his name. 

“Simon. Nice name. I’m Baz.” He smiles at him fully for a second when Simon’s name falls from his lips. He likes the way his lips touch at the ‘M’. And how his tongue taps the palate of his mouth at the ‘N’. 

“Nice to meet you Baz. Text me.” He smiles and leaves silently. He likes the way Baz’s name feels bubbly against his teeth. Like a sip of soda, crisp on the roof of his mouth. 

Two days go by. Baz hasn’t texted Simon. But he’s been saying his name when he gets bored. 

“Simon. Si-mon. Sim-on.” He repeats, breaking it up and emphasizing different parts of it. Sometimes he says it loudly, sometimes he whispers it like he did in the library. He likes how it feels like something soft. Like cotton but it doesn’t dry his mouth out. 

Simon reads the book as fast as he can, while still actually processing it. He says Baz’s name to himself, alone in his apartment. 

“Baz. B-az. Ba-z.” He splits it up even though it’s only one syllable. He smiles because his name feels like popping candy on his tongue. He feels silly for liking his name so much but he can’t help himself. 

Baz texts him on the third day. 

Unknown number: I’m sure you haven’t finished the book yet. But let me know when you do. 

Simon quickly adds a new contact for his number. 

Simon: I’m actually halfway through it 

Baz: In three days? Impressive. 

Simon: thanks 

Simon: ill let you know when ive finished. 

Baz: Thank you

Baz laughs at Simon’s lack of punctuation. Simon laughs at Baz’s perfect punctuation. 

It’s only two days later when Simon finishes the book. He texts Baz to tell him he’s returning the book today. 

When he walks into the library he sees Baz sitting in one of the big chairs in the seating corner. He smiles but regains focus to drop his book off. 

He walks up to Baz and when Baz notices him they both grin softly. 

“I thought you’d come tomorrow. Since they’re probably not going to actually shelf it until tomorrow.” He says quietly. 

“Well then I wouldn’t be able to see you.” He blinks slowly like a relaxed cat, a grin still on his face. 

Simon blushes and puts his hands in his jacket pockets. 

“You’ve got my number. You could always ask me out on a date.” The smile still doesn’t leave his face. 

“I was planning to. But I wanted an excuse to see you anyway.” 

“So are you going to ask me out, Romeo?” Simon jokes. 

“Would you like to get coffee, Juliet?” Baz chuckles back. 

They make plans to meet tomorrow at a cafe on the corner. 

When tomorrow arrives and Baz sees Simon walk into the cafe his heart warms. It’s just started snowing outside and Simon walks in with a dusting on his messy patch of curls. He shakes a hand through his hair and takes his glasses off to wipe them on his shirt. 

He glances to the corner where Baz sits, a smile gracing his red and almost frozen face. Waving to Baz as he walks up to the counter to order. He quickly receives his drink and goes to sit with Baz. 

“Hi.” 

“Hey.” 

They smile like idiots before Simon looks to the ground bashfully and sips his drink. 

“You’ve still got some snow on your hair.” Baz points. 

“Ironic.” He rakes a hand through his hair again. 

“How so?” 

“Oh, my last name is Snow.” He laughs. 

“Simon Snow. An interesting name.” Baz laughs with him. 

“What’s your full name then?” 

“Ah, you’ll laugh.” He shakes his head. 

“You laughed at mine!” Simon laughs through his nose. 

Baz sighs. “Tyrannus Basilton Grimm Pitch.” 

“You’re kidding.” 

“I knew I shouldn’t have told you.” Baz takes a drink. 

“Wait so ‘Baz’ isn’t even an abbreviation of your first name.” 

“Nice observation.” Baz smirks. 

Simon doesn’t let his mocking derail him. 

“It’s an abbreviation of an abbreviation! Because an abbreviation of ‘Basilton’ is ‘Basil’ and ‘Baz’ is another abbreviation of that.” 

“You’ve got to stop saying ‘abbreviation’. It doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.” 

But Baz can only think about the way his name sounds coming out of Simon’s mouth. Like it’s coming from a spout hidden in his cheek. Like it flows so easily. And he thinks about how ‘Simon Snow’ feels when it leaves his own mouth. How it feels like a sugar coating over his tongue. 

The date goes by sooner than they’d like, they trade questions and laugh about current events and every time one of them smiles the other one melts a little bit. 

“I’d like to see you again, Baz.” Simon smiles up at him, only three or four inches separating their heights. 

“I’d like to see you again too.” 

They make arrangements to study together in the library, since they’re both in their first year of university. 

They’re 19 with goals and dreams and heavy books. They’re completely different but still head over heels for each other after just one date.

They meet two days later and sit at a table beside each other. 

“What do you major in?” Baz asks. 

“Wildlife biology and I minor in education.” 

“Interesting.” Baz laughs quietly. 

Simon giggles. “I want to be able to study animals in a natural, unbothered setting and then after I’ve learned a lot, I can teach others.”

“Good aspirations. I applaud you.” He claps silently. 

“What about you?” 

“I actually want to teach too. I major in Library science and minor in education.” 

“So you want to be a librarian?” 

“It’s fun. I worked in the library in high school and I help out here a lot.” He smiles. 

They study for a couple of hours and plan another date. 

They text often, go on a few more casual dates, like studying or going to a cafe or getting lunch. But then they finally have a serious date. Baz suggests ice skating and even though Simon can’t skate he agrees. 

“I should have told you this but, I can’t skate.” He smiles apologetically when he’s putting his skates on. 

“What?! Why’d you agree?” 

“Because you wanted to go! You can just teach me.” He waves him off and tries to stand, immediately stumbling into Baz.

“This is going to be difficult.” Baz mumbles when he catches Simon by the arms. 

When they leave it’s snowing and Baz makes a joke about Simon’s last name and Simon doesn’t listen because he’s busy hyping himself up and he kisses Baz. And Baz kisses him back and it’s soft and Simon sighs happily and their lips mold together in the freezing weather. 

“That was nice.” Baz grins. 

“Yeah.” Simon agrees and pecks his lips again for a brief second. 

“Do you want to get dinner Friday night?” Baz asks. 

“I’d love to.” Simon smiles and they say their goodbyes. 

A couple months go by and at this point they see each other almost everyday. Whether it be in the library to study or they grab lunch or they’re both just together in one of their apartments, they’re together a lot. And they couldn’t be happier. 

Baz makes a phone call to Simon. 

“Hey.” Simon’s voice comes from the speaker. 

“I’m making spaghetti tonight. Do you want to come over?” 

“I was planning to anyway.” He laughs. 

“I’ll see you after your last class then?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Alright, bring soda if you want because all I’ve got is water and milk.” 

“Thanks for the heads up.” He laughs. 

“I’ll see you soon.” 

“Bye.” 

He comes over at 6pm and dumps his bag on the ground by the door. Baz comes greet him and Simon wraps his arms around his neck and kisses him. 

“I saw you last night. You know that right?” Baz laughs against Simon’s lips when he’s pulled away. 

“Technically you saw me at lunch yesterday. So I’m allowed to miss you.” He kisses his cheek. 

“So anytime longer than 24 hours is grounds for being a sap?” Baz smiles. 

“You’re a sap too.” 

“Yes but I keep it well hidden most of the time.” 

“Shame.” He grins and pats his cheek. “Spaghetti!” He cheers and walks past him, putting his coat over a chair. 

Another month goes by and they’re just watching tv late one weekend, it’s early spring so it’s cold but not cold enough for snow, instead it just rains near ice. So they order food and stay in at Simon’s place. It’s become common for them to spend the night together. 

Simon is watching the screen intently, the glow of it making his face shine in the dark. 

“I love you.” Baz blurts out for the first time. 

Simon’s face turns to his, his eyes wide. A smile practically breaks his face and he tackles Baz to the couch, peppering kisses on his face. Baz lets out an uncharacteristic giggle. 

“I love you too.” Simon smiles down at him and kisses him hard. The television is forgotten for a while. 

By the almost end of summer Baz asks Simon to move in with him. Simon agrees enthusiastically of course and they bring his belongings to Baz’s moderately bigger apartment. 

“I love you.” Simon kisses him when they stand in the living room. Their living room. 

Baz kisses his forehead. “I love you too, dork.” 

They embrace. 

They deal with their second year of college, conflicting schedules making it hard for them to be together except for weekends and nights, and except when Simon has to work. Baz told him he could quit, that he has enough family money to support the both of them, but Simon tells him it’s okay. 

In their third year Simon decides to quit. Him and Baz have similar schedules so they’re usually in classes at the same time. 

“Hey look at this.” Simon leans into Baz and shows him a magazine. 

“Scotland?” 

“Yeah. Look at the pictures.” 

“They’re beautiful?” 

“Don’t say it like a question!” Simon laughs. 

“What about them? The pictures I mean.” 

“Scotland seems so nice. I’d love to go there one day.” He stares at the pages longingly. 

“It does seem nice. I love the pictures of those quaint remote houses.” Baz says. 

Simon hums in agreement and lays his head on Baz’s shoulder. 

Before they know it they’re in their last year. Halfway through, Simon suddenly gets radically excited about it. 

“We’re gonna be out of college soon!” 

“I know, love.” Baz smiles. 

“And I’ll get to go out in the field and observe animals!” 

“Mhm.” Baz looks at him with pure adoration. 

“And then after a few years I’ll become a teacher! I think I’d want to teach high schoolers.” He gasps. “What if you were the librarian in the same school that I teach at?!” 

Baz laughs and kisses his temple. “That would be nice.” 

They graduate and move to a different apartment that’s closer to a high school and conveniently near a lab where Simon applies for a job. He gets it and a few days later Baz gets a job at the school they’re close to. They celebrate and kiss and dance. 

On Simon’s 25th birthday Baz makes him a cake. 

“Happy Birthday, darling.” Baz smiles and kisses his cheek. 

Penny claps and throws her arms around their shoulders and starts singing. 

Penny’s moving to America with her boyfriend next week so she’s been spending a lot of extra time with them. 

Baz doesn’t open up to a lot of people, besides Simon, and Simon’s friend, Penny. Although he doesn’t open up to her nearly as much as he does to Simon. He’s not the nicest to people he first meets and it makes Simon feel special and he loves him. 

“Look what I found on the way back from the school.” Baz announces one day, when him and Simon are both 27, as he walks through the door. Simon greets him with a chaste kiss and looks down to see a tape recorder in Baz’s hand.

“I found it at that thrift store.” He says.

“Why did you get it?” 

“Because it works and it was cheap and I thought it would be cool to have.” 

Simon smiles and kisses him again. 

“I ordered Pizza.” He drags Baz to the kitchen. 

“I’m starving.” 

Every few months Simon has to leave for a couple weeks. He’s gone to forests in Canada, deserts in Africa, Greenland and Iceland and even Antarctica. Baz misses him when he leaves but he knows how much it means to Simon, it’s his passion. 

“I’m going back to Iceland for the last week of this month.” 

“Will you get me another souvenir?” Baz asks after he swallows his spoon of cereal. 

“Of course.” He kisses him sweetly. 

Baz hums.

“I’m off to work! I’ll be home earlier tonight by the way.” Simon squeezes his shoulder. Baz wishes he didn’t have to work on the weekends. 

“I’m getting groceries today. Do you want anything specific?” 

“Could you get more Cheerios?”

“You’ve been eating all my Cheerios?! I thought I was going crazy!” 

“I gotta go!” Simon laughs and grabs his bag, running out of the door. 

By the time Simon is thirty he’s been so many places there’s no point in counting. He’s got them all marked on a big map in the hallway though. 

“I’m going to apply for a teaching position at the school.” He says two months after his 30th birthday, during dinner. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. I’ve been everywhere I wanted to go. Now I just want to be with you.” 

Baz smiles and holds his hand across the table. 

“You never got to go to Scotland though. You’ve wanted to go there since college.” Baz says. 

“Me and you could always take a trip one day. I wish I could have gone all those places with you. You would have loved it.” 

“We’ll just have to take lots of trips over the next few years then.” Baz laughs. 

Simon gets the teaching position he wanted and they celebrate like they did when they first got jobs, years ago. 

Simon loves teaching. And he loves that he can go to the library to see Baz whenever he doesn’t have a class. His students love him because he’s not boring and he has lots of stories to tell and he’s only 30 years old. 

And then he’s 31. 

And then he’s 32. 

And then Baz proposes. 

Simon’s never smiled so hard in his life. He tears up and nods his head and says yes over and over even when Baz pulls him into and embrace. He keeps saying yes when his arms go around Baz’s neck and Baz’s arms go around his middle. He keeps saying yes until Baz pulls back and kisses him softly and it reminds them both of their first kiss. He slides the ring on Simon’s finger and kisses him again. 

“13 years. It took you long enough.” Simon laughs, still in an embrace. 

“We’ve been busy!” Baz chuckles and kisses his jaw. 

Its another two months after that when they realize that the only person they’d invite to their wedding is Penny and she wouldn’t care what it looked like so she comes to visit and they just get married one day in the middle of summer. 

“We can do like a hybrid last name thing. Like I’d be Simon Snow Pitch.” 

“Do you really want me to be Tyrannus Basilton Grimm Pitch Snow?” 

“Okay that is kinda long.” 

“I’ll do it.” 

“You really want to have five names? Do you know how long it’ll take for you to fill out any forms that require your whole name?” 

“It’s worth it.” 

“My students will have to call me Mr. Pitch now. Would your nameplate still say Mr. Pitch? Even though technically my last name would be your last, last name.” 

“This is confusing. But yes I think so.” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

They smile. 

“Alright,” Simon says to his class one day. “You may have noticed the name plate on my door has changed. I got married.”

Students start bustling with questions. 

“Raise your hands!” He laughs. 

He points to a girl with her hand up. “Yes, Linda.” 

“Did you marry the librarian? Or is his last name just a coincidence?”

“Yes I married Mr. Pitch, the librarian. So I, too, am now Mr. Pitch. But I don’t mind if you still call me Mr. Snow really. Technically I’m ‘Snow Pitch’.” 

Students start asking more questions, like how they got together and when they got together and Simon smiles and answers them all. 

They’re both 35, on their 16th anniversary when Simon gets especially mushy and just rambles on and on about how much he loves Baz. Baz just lays his head in the crook of Simons neck and smiles, kissing his skin from time to time. 

They’re 37 when Simon gets a cold and Baz makes him soup and keeps tissues by the bed and scolds him to blow his nose instead of just sniffling.

When they’re 39, just a few months after their 20th anniversary, Baz shoots out of bed gasping for air. Simon wakes up immediately and rubs his back asking whats wrong. 

The sharp pain in Baz’s chest goes away after a couple minutes and he can breath again. 

“Sorry my chest was just hurting really bad.” 

“I’ll go get you some water.” 

“Okay.” 

It’s 11 days later when it happens again but this time it’s during dinner and doesn’t stop and Baz is almost screaming so Simon calls an ambulance and they rush him to the hospital. 

Simon paces and scratches at his arms, waiting for over 2 hours. He calls the school and tells the principal neither of them will be in, probably for the next couple of days. 

“Mr. Pitch?” A doctor calls. 

Simon sprints over hastily and asks how he’s doing. 

“He’s alive.” 

Simon sighs with relief. 

“But... I should show you something.” 

Simon’s head is spinning and he feels like he’s going to faint but he follows the doctor to a private room. 

An X-ray is on a screen and Simon had to take biology classes in college and he’s seen normal X-rays of normal lungs and this isn’t what they looked like on the thin white papers of his old textbooks.

“Mr. Pitch has lung cancer.” 

Simon’s legs go numb and he stares at the doctor. 

“I- Will he... what’s going to- to happen now?” He stutters out. 

“Well his condition is okay for now and while it wasn’t caught extremely late, it certainly wasn’t caught early.” 

Simon can feel his eyes burn. 

“What- What does that mean?” He whispers. 

“We just have to keep him here, treat him as best as we can. He’s in such a... tricky state so I really can’t say what his chances of anything are. I’m very sorry. I wish I could give you a definite answer.” 

But Simon doesn’t want a definite answer. Unless it was that he was going to be okay. The doctor leads him to Baz’s room. Baz smiles when he sees him and Simon smiles sadly, tears building up. 

“They already told you.” 

“Yeah.” His voice low. 

“It’s gonna be okay.” 

“You can’t say that.” He shakes his head sadly. 

“I’m okay for now at least. Is that what you want to hear?” He asks tenderly. 

“I just want you to be okay.” Two tears fall out of Simon’s eyes and he holds Baz’s hand. 

A month goes by and Baz is slowly getting worse. He lost his hair about 9 days ago from the chemo. Simon tries not to cry. He spends every day in the room with Baz. Baz gets skinnier and pale as a couple more months go by and it breaks Simon. 

“Do you want me to bring some stuff to read?” 

“Sure.” Baz manages to smile despite his condition worsening. 

Simon kisses his cheek. 

“I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” 

“Okay. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

Simon cries in the car because now they have to say they love each other whenever Simon leaves to get something and it’s not just because they want to but because they’re scared something will happen and they want those to be the last words between them just in case. He screams at red lights because it’s just so unfair to Baz and to him and he hates that Baz keeps pretending to be so at peace just to make Simon feel better even though he knows it’s not working. He calms down by the time he’s on his way back. 

“I brought Romeo And Juliet and Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban. They’re your favorites right?” 

“Yeah.” Baz smiles and takes the books. 

He can still get out of bed for now. So him and Simon sometimes walk to the cafeteria, although sometimes on harder days Simon will wheel him there. The doctors let him sit outside with Simon when he’s feeling up to it.

Simon pretty much never leaves his side unless it’s to go pick something up. 

He’s told the school about the situation and they understand. They’ve found someone to substitute for him until he can come back. His students all wish for Baz’s health. 

It’s five months since the first day Baz got in and the Doctor comes in to give them the monthly update.

“The chemo doesn’t appear to be working. We’ll keep you on it for as long as possible just in case it does start working. But currently, it doesn’t look very good. I’m sorry.” 

Baz squeezes Simon’s hand and Simon stares at the ground with tears running down his face. 

“Hey.” Baz says. Simon turns to him. 

“Everything is gonna work out.” He tries to reassure him. 

Simon lets out a shaky exhale and shakes his head. 

“Don’t say that! You don’t know that! I can’t- I can’t...” He trails off and lets the tears drown his face. 

“I love you.” Baz says as a tear slips from his own eye. 

“I love you too.” Simon says, his voice thick. 

Years ago Penny moved to live with her boyfriend but she flies back to see Baz. 

Simon smiles when he sees her and gives her a long hug. She walks to Baz’s bed. 

“Hey.” She says shakily, her nose stuffing up. 

“Hi, Bunce.” 

She leans down to hug him and he wraps his arms around her even though he’s weak. 

She stays for two weeks and tries to be strong, somehow she manages to get Simon not to cry everyday. She brings them movies and talks to them like they’re back in college having tea. 

When she leaves Simon’s a mess again. He still does his best to keep Baz’s mind off of things. 

It’s been a few more months and Baz has been fighting as hard as he can. Their 21st anniversary comes, 21 years since they first kissed. That’s when they say their relationship officially started. And Baz’s laughs a little. 

“What?”

“Our relationship can drink legally in the states.” He croaks, tired.

“You’re ridiculous.” Simon laughs and kisses him gently. 

“Simon.” Baz whispers when Simon pulls away. 

“Yeah?” 

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” He tries to smile but it’s so sad and Simon feels life drain from his face as he breathes out. 

“Baz...” 

“It’s hard, Simon.” 

“I know.” Simon cries again, holding Baz’s hand. “I- I don’t want you to be in pain. But I don’t...” He can’t finish his sentence. 

Baz sniffs through his own tears. 

“I’m trying my best but... it just doesn’t seem to be helping.” He whispers. 

Baz’s last day comes a week later. During that week Simon brought Baz’s favorite foods and movies and they didn’t cry because they knew what was coming and Simon asked Baz about stories he already knew because when you love someone so much for so long you already know all their stories but he listened again anyway. 

Baz’s last day was on a Thursday in march. 

“I’m going to die tonight.” He interrupted Simon when he was reading. 

“Baz-“ 

“No. I can feel it. And I... I just want you to know.” 

Baz holds Simon’s hand tighter. 

“Keep reading.” 

And Simon does. 

And at 2:13 am Baz starts crying and Simon knows and then he’s crying and calling the nurse in. 

Simon holds his hands and kisses him on his lips and his cheek and his forehead and his hands and each individual finger and then his lips again. 

“I love you.” Baz says. 

“I love you so much.” Simon sobs. 

“Do me a favor.” 

“Anything.” 

“Don’t date anyone else.” 

Simon laughs sadly and nods his head. 

“I promise I won’t.” 

He kisses him again and tells him he loves him and Baz says he loves him too and that he’s going to miss him and Simon shatters like a plate hitting a wall because this can’t be happening. 

This can’t be happening. 

This can’t be happening.

Baz takes off his wedding band weakly and puts in Simon’s palm. 

“I love you, Baz.” 

“I love you, Simon.” Baz chokes out with his literal last breath.

And he’s said it for the last time. 

The heart rate monitor goes to a single tone after Baz chokes out his last words. 

Simon holds his face and screams. 

“No no no please! Please don’t fucking do this! Please Baz please.” His voice cracks on every word. He takes his hands off of Baz and collapses to the floor hugging his knees shaking. 

“No.” 

“No.” 

“Please.” 

He stands up shakily to look at Baz one more time before he passes out. 

When he wakes up just a few minutes later he hopes everything was just a dream. But when he looks up and sees and empty place where Baz’s bed was he feels numb. 

He wants to stand up. He wants to talk to the doctor. He needs to. But he just lays there. He feels Baz’s ring in his hand and holds it up to see it. 

It’s got ‘Snow’ engraved on the inside. Just like how Simon’s has ‘Pitch’. 

He starts crying again and all he can think about is how Baz is gone and he’ll never see him again and he’ll never hear him laugh again. 

“Simon?” The doctor says. Simon didn’t even notice him. 

Simon breathes in as best as he can and wipes his eyes. 

“Yes?” 

“Would you like sit?” 

Simon nods and lets the doctor help him up and lead him to the chair in the corner of the room. 

“A nurse is going to get you some water, okay?” 

“Okay.” His voice breaks as more tears fall but his face is just blank. 

Baz is cremated but they still have a funeral service two weeks after he died. 

Teachers from the school come, Penny and her boyfriend Micah come, Simon’s older students come. 

Simon wrote a eulogy but he can’t read it. He wishes he wasn’t there and he wishes he could run away. 

The two weeks before the funeral was just Simon trying to write it. And him hugging Baz’s pillow close to him. And sitting in the shower and remembering when Baz would join him halfway through his showers just because he liked to wash Simon’s hair. It’s Simon wearing Baz’s shirts and looking at pictures of them and videos on his phone and just listening to his voice. 

And he cries everyday and he cries at the funeral and he forgets to eat and drink for three days and when he remembers to he goes way overboard and ends up retching over the toilet and it’s scarily a relief because his brain is busy focusing on the stuff coming from his throat instead of Baz and it’s only for a few minutes but it helps a little. 

Penny cries with Simon and she stays in town to take care of Simon even though she’s breaking too. 

She has to leave a week after the funeral and holds Simon for minutes and pulls him back in just before she leaves. She tells him it’s going to be okay and he bites his lip when his eyes tear up but he nods his head. 

When he goes home that night he has an idea. He leaves the flat and rushes to the thrift store Baz got that tape recorder from. 

“Do you have blank cassettes?” He asks the man behind the counter. 

“Yep. That box over there,” He points. “is full of ‘em.” 

Simon grabs the box. There’s probably at least 70 tapes. 

“How much.” He says and sniffs hard because tears are coming out again and he knows he looks like a mess but he doesn’t care. 

“You can have it.” The man smiles at him kindly. 

“Really?” Simon breathes. 

“Yeah.” 

“Thank you. So much.” He nods to the man and goes back home. 

He goes into the bedroom and finds the tape recorder. 

“Hey Baz.” He says when he puts the tape in and hits record. 

“I’m using the tape recorder you got a while ago. God that was years ago. Anyway- I’m gonna record updates on how I’m doing for you.” He runs a hand through his hair because he knows how ridiculous this is but it makes him feel better. 

“Your funeral was a week ago. I uh... I couldn’t get myself to read the eulogy. It was just too much.” His voice crack as tears well up. 

“Let’s see... uhm- I put your pillow in a sealed bag, like how he does in that TV show Monk.” He laughs sadly. 

“It smelled like you and I just want it to continue to smell like you. I really miss you.” He’s sobbing now. 

“If you’re a ghost right now feel free to knock some shit over just so I know you’re there.” He smiles because he knows Baz would roll his eyes at that. 

He continues to sputter about how how he feels like he’s never going to stop crying. 

He starts making tapes at the last day of every month. He quit his job after the funeral because Baz left a lot of money and while he feels bad using it he just can’t seem to leave the apartment unless it’s urgent. 

“Hey Baz. It’s been 6 months. I haven’t left the flat in a while. I ate a whole pizza yesterday. I almost ordered those breadsticks you like, just out of habit. Then I started crying while I was on the phone with the poor kid taking my order. He was very concerned.” He chuckles through tears. 

“Damn it. It’s been 6 months and I still cry every time I make one of these. I just- I miss you so fucking much. I haven’t moved anything in the flat. I feel like I move something them I’ll forget where it was and then I’ll forgot what’s yours and what’s mine and what’s ours and I know I’m not making any sense right now. I’m just too scared to mess anything up.” He sniffs. 

“Alright I guess that’s all for this month. I love you, I’ll talk to you next month.” 

He breaks down as soon as he stops recording. Folding into his own body like a child throwing a fit. He screams into the pillows of the couch. He lets his body shake so hard he feels like he’s going to vomit. 

“Hey Baz. It’s been a year now. That’s... crazy. It’s feels like its been fifty years but also somehow like it’s been five minutes. As you know I still cry every time I make these. Oh- there it goes.” He laughs and wipes at his face. “Penny’s coming to see me next week. I haven’t told her I’m making these. I feel like she’d think it’s unhealthy to still be doing it after a year. Which I guess it is. Penny misses you a lot too. It’s really h-hard.” He feels his body start to shake. 

“I’m g-gonna go for now. I love y-you and I’ll talk to you next month.” 

Simon feels like there’s something wrong with him. It’s been a year and he still can’t seem to get through a single day without crying at least a little bit. 

For a while he thought about drinking until he felt better but he was scared it would make him forget. And even though remembering hurts he thinks forgetting would hurt more. 

“Hey.” Penny smiles and hugs Simon when he picks her up from the airport. 

“Hi, Pen.” He hugs her back tightly. 

Penny stays with Simon for a week and he really likes it because he can pretend like Penny banging around in the kitchen is Baz but then he feels bad and he sobs and Penny finds him in a ball in the bathroom and rubs his back and pets his hair and it reminds him of Baz and it’s been a year and everything still reminds him of Baz. 

When Penny leaves it hurts but it’s a relief. 

The end of the month comes and Simon sits on their- his bed. He has to remind himself. 

“Hi Baz.” 

He lays down and puts the recorder on his chest. 

“Remember when we used to dance in the kitchen? And that one time I stepped on your foot and we both almost fell.” He laughs but almost immediately it turns into a sob. 

“God damn it!” He screams and pulls at his hair. 

“Why is it still so fucking hard? Why did all of this shit happen? It’s so unfair and I miss you so much.” 

His lip bleeds from how hard he bites it. The lines around his mouth curve harshly when he throws his pillow over his face and cries so loud it’s basically a scream. 

He takes a deep shaky breath in. 

“Sorry this one was so short. I love you and I’ll talk to you next month.” 

More months go by and Simon still cries every time he makes a new recording. He still looks at physical pictures and pictures and videos on his phone. He takes pictures of the cologne Baz uses- used- and a picture of the laundry detergent and Baz’s shampoo and conditioner and body wash and just all of Baz’s things because he wants to use them but he wants to buy more when he runs out. 

Suddenly it’s been two years and seven months and it’s their 23rd anniversary. And Simon still cries. He doesn’t cry everyday but he cries at least four times a week. And when he makes the tapes. 

“Hey Baz. It’s our 23rd anniversary. Your ring is just a little too big for me so instead of trying to wear it as a ring I got a chain the other day and I’ve been wearing it as a necklace. Oh, I keep forgetting to mention this. I know it’s silly but- oh well. If you by any chance happened to get or be reincarnated, you’ve got to find your way to me, alright? I don’t care if you’re a... I don’t know... a snail or something. Just come find me. Unless you’re like a bug. But I don’t think you’re a bug.” 

He laughs and wipes some tears away. 

“Alright Baz. I love you and I’ll talk to you next month.” 

Simon almost passed out when just a week after that, a cat shows up outside his flat. He laughs genuinely for the first time in months. 

The cat is all black with icy blue eyes and they almost look grey. This cat looks like Baz. Simon shakes his head at the though, feeling ridiculous.

“Hi.” He squats down and the cat immediately strides to him. The cat bumps Simon’s hand with his head. 

Simon laughs and cries hysterically and looks up. 

“Baz, I know you probably aren’t reincarnated into this cat. But if you are that would be really fucking cool.” He smiles. 

“What do you want me to name you? Would naming you ‘Baz’ again be silly?” He rubs the cats neck. 

The cat just sits patiently. 

“What about your full name?” He jokes

That cat looks unamused and now Simon is convinced that this cat must be Baz.

“Grimm?” 

The cats tails waves a bit more excitedly. 

“I don’t expect you to understand anything I’m saying because you’re probably just a regular cat. But if you by chance happen to be Baz just like... meow if you agree with me on a name.” 

The cat just looks up at him. 

“What about... Ty? Like short for Tyrannus. Like how ‘Baz’ is short for ‘Basilton’.” 

The cat seems to think for a second before meowing and pushing against Simon’s hand again until Simon pets him. Simon laughs and cries again. 

“C’mon. Let’s take you to the vet to make sure you’re healthy.” He scoops Ty up and starts walking. 

Ty gets a couple of shots and the vet says he’s probably about a year old. 

“Are you sure I can’t call you Baz?” He asks when the cat is purring on his lap. 

He turns over and looks at Simon before meowing. 

“So I can call you Baz?” 

Meow. 

Simon smiles and pets his belly and Baz purrs. 

Baz is around him all the time, he even makes Simon let him lay down in the bathroom when Simon showers. Simon knows normal cats don’t act like this. Most normal cats don’t come sprinting when you call their name. Most cats don’t spend every moment with their owners and never get irritated or annoyed. Most cats don’t act like this. And that makes Simon think it’s actually Baz even more. 

When Simon cries Baz is always there to lay on his chest or his lap and rub his head against Simon’s hand or lick Simon’s face. 

“I’m still going to make the tapes for you.” 

Baz licks his hand and presses his face into it. Simon smiles and sets up to record a new tape. 

“Hi Baz. I didn’t think... this would actually happen. I mean it’s probably not you but-“ He’s interrupted by a loud meow in protest. 

“Hey! I’m allowed to be skeptical!” Simon laughs and Baz meows softly this time. 

Simon starts crying and almost immediately Baz springs up from where he was laying in his lap. He sits and butts his head into Simon’s chest. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Baz just meows. 

“Baz I’m gonna start making these less frequently. I don’t want to run out of tapes and I don’t do a lot in the time of one month so the tapes have gotten short and kind of boring. Plus I’ve got cat-you now so that helps.” He smiles down at Baz even when more tears fall down. 

“So that’s all for today. I’m probably gonna start making them every three months. We’ll see. I love you, I’ll talk to you next time.” 

Cat Baz meows softly when Simon cries again. 

“I know I know. I’m sorry. I’m crying a little less now at least. Usually it’s only around twice a week now. Or sometimes just randomly.” 

Baz nuzzles against him. 

“It’s hard.” 

Baz purrs when Simon scratches his head. 

“I missed you.” Simon doesn’t care if this cat isn’t Baz. He doesn’t care if it’s silly or unrealistic. He doesn’t care that he was half joking when he said the thing about Baz being reincarnated. He just has a gut feeling that Baz is in some part of this ball of black fur. 

Baz meows and Simon smiles, tears no longer flooding his vision. 

Suddenly it’s been four years and Simon’s still making tapes every three months like he said. He still cries at least twice a week, and when he records the tapes. But it’s easier now wit Baz. Cat Baz. 

Baz sleeps curled up beside Simon, or on his chest or stomach if he’s on his back. Simon feels so much better just having another presence near him that isn’t a person because people are overwhelming. And after having Baz for almost two years he’s become even more sure that it’s him. 

Simon hasn’t talked to Penny as much as he’s liked to. He tries but times are never right and that makes him cry too. She’s so busy and she got married last year and she’s pregnant right now and Simon feels so bad because he couldn’t get himself to go see her and he just feels so guilty because he needs his friend but it’s basically too late. 

So now he cries more often again. He looks at pictures of him and Baz and Penny and cries for hours. Baz nuzzles up to him when he cries and he meows. 

“I-I can’t. I can’t bring myself to talk to her and I don’t know why but it’s so hard and I feel so guilty. And she’s got so much going on and she’s managed to move on with her life and I don’t want to hold her back.” 

Baz just rubs against him harder. 

So Simon doesn’t call her, or text her. He keeps all his pictures of or with her in the box with all his other pictures. And it breaks his heart but he knows if one day they’re both ready then one of them will reach out. 

It’s been five years. Simon is 45 years old and he wishes he was 19 again. He wishes he could go back to the day they met and relive the moment when Baz told him he shoe was untied because it’s been so long but he remembers that day like it was yesterday and he hates the fact that he still cries even though Baz is there. He wishes he could go back to when they were 36 and tell Baz to go to the doctor regularly so they could catch the cancer early and Baz would have been fine and he just wishes he could go back. 

He’s 45 and he’s scared because he’s older and he misses what it felt like to ice skate with Baz and his misses what Baz’s voice sounds like and the videos on his phone don’t do him justice and the way he looks in his pictures is still beautiful but it’s nothing compared to how Simon saw him early in the morning face to face when it would be raining outside and Baz’s face would be lit with dull grey light. 

He loves cat Baz and he couldn’t be happier about that because after three years of having him he’s sure that it’s Baz. But it’s still so hard. 

He’s just finished a tape and wiping a tear away when he scoops Baz up from his lap and walks to the living room. 

“Baz, I have an idea.” 

Baz meows warily and it reminds Simon of when human Baz would say “oh no” whenever Simon said he had an idea or a plan. And he smiles and this time he doesn’t cry at the thought and that makes him smile more. 

He pulls a magazine out from a shelf, opening it up to a page and setting it on the coffee table where Baz sits. 

“Scotland.” He smiles. 

Baz meows. 

Simon remembers the conversation they had, when he showed Baz this same magazine. And they were still in college and that makes Simon smile too. And he remembers when he quiet his job at the lab Baz said he had never gotten to go to Scotland and they agreed that they’d go together one day. And he smiles again without crying and something blooms in his chest and it feels like satisfaction. 

Baz presses a paw to the page and meows quizzically. 

“Let’s move there.” 

Baz stares at him before waving his tail happily and meowing again. 

So they move. It takes another whole year for Simon to find a place to buy. He finds a remote house just like he remembers Baz saying he liked and it’s on an island that’s not too far from a more mainland type area but it’s far enough that he can’t see the people or buildings. It’s just a green and brown blob that he could easily take a boat too. 

So Simon buys a boat. And Simon learns how to drive a boat. And Baz meows encouragingly throughout the entire year long process. 

Then, after a year and a month, they get there. 

They’ve got the island all to themselves. It’s foggy and overcast most of the time and they love it. 

Simon makes tapes every four months now. And another five years go by and Simon’s 51 and he still cries but it’s usually just from nostalgia and Baz always cuddles up beside him. Simon spent a ton of money on a satellite just so they could have internet because after going without it for a few months they almost went mad. 

He reconnects with Penny when he’s 52 and him and Baz fly to America to see her and Micah and their two daughters who are practically adults now and Simon feels so old but he’s okay with it now. 

Simon tells Penny about everything. Sparing no detail. She cries and laughs with him and comments about how cat Baz does act exactly like how human Baz did. 

After staying with Penny for three weeks him and Baz go back. 

He calls and texts Penny often and he’s so relieved to have her back in his life. 

Then Simon just starts making tons of tapes. Just recalling stories from before while Baz sleeps in his lap. 

And he’s down to his last tape. 

“Hi Baz. This is going to be the last tape. I know you’re here with me so it’s not like its that big of a deal.” He laughs. 

“But I thought today I would you the eulogy I wrote.” 

Baz perks up because he never found a eulogy and he knew Simon had written one but he assumed he got rid of it. 

Simon grabs a picture from off of the desk, it has a picture of him and human Baz kissing in their graduation gowns. He pulls the backing out and inside is a piece of paper. 

“Here goes.” He unfolds it and swallows. Baz sits up in between Simon’s arms so he can see the paper. 

“Baz was my soulmate. And he meant and still means everything to me. I don’t think I’ll ever fully move on without by my side. And it’s really really unfair that he-“ Simon sobs a little bit and Baz turns around so he can press his face against him. 

“-that he was taken at 39. He should have had so much longer left. I wanted to grow old with him. I wish I could hold his hand one more time. I wish I could kiss him one more time. I wish I could hear him say ‘I love you’ one more time just so I could tell him I love him too.” 

Simon breaks down for a minute before taking a deep breath. 

“I made a promise to him. I promised that I would never be with anyone else. And I know that sounds silly but I don’t think I ever will. And nor do I plan to. Because I love him and I made a promise. And thats the thing about Baz-- He never breaks his promises. So I’m not going to break mine.” 

Simon puts the paper down and holds his head in hands and cries and cries and cries. Baz meows and meows and meows and he licks at Simon and rubs up against him and Simon just cries more but he’s happy. He’s finally happy. 

And Baz didn’t break his promise. 

Everything did turn out okay. 

And everything did work out. 

It took a while but, it worked out.

Simon holds Baz to his chest and smiles when he’s stopped crying. He kisses Baz on the head and Baz purrs and leans up to the touch. 

Simon laughs and stops recording.


End file.
